The Power of Calm
Let me give you a scenario:
You are at the grocery store. Your child wants an item that isn’t on the list for today, and that you don’t want to buy. You tell your child this. Massive tantrum ensues. Your child won’t calm down, and you feel your blood pressure escalating. You plead, you beg, then, you threaten…nothing works. You get MAD. Your child’s tantrum escalates. You abandon your grocery cart and carry your child kicking and screaming to the car. Everybody cries. Nobody wins.
Raise your hand if this has ever been you. My guess is that just about every parent has been in this or a similar situation before. I also imagine that you were feeling angry, embarrassed, frustrated, even hopeless. Maybe these days are in the past for you and your child is older, maybe your child hasn’t reached this stage yet, or maybe you’re in the thick of it right now. Whatever the case, I am hopeful that today’s blog can provide you with some relief!
To lay the groundwork for this topic, I want to share a video with you. Dr. Dan Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, a renowned expert in parenting and the developing child’s brain, and the author of a few of my favorite parenting books, including The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and Parenting From The Inside Out. In this video, Dr. Siegel talks about the hand model of the brain - take a peek!
As you learned from Dr. Siegel, when kids (or adults) “flip their lids” they are operating purely from a fight, flight, or freeze response in the brain. This is important to understand, because when a child is in a “flipped lid” state, your begging, pleading, threatening, or teaching will fall on deaf ears. Your child is simply unable to process thoughts in a logical way in these moments, because the parts of their brain controlling logic and reason are disengaged.
So what does this mean? When your child has a tantrum, step one has to be helping them to re-regulate. This could look like simply holding your child and breathing with them, reflecting their feelings and giving them a snuggle, moving to a less stimulating environment, or getting down on their level and just expressing love, empathy, and acceptance.
Now, this idea is one that I have seen get some resistance from parents. They often think, “Isn’t snuggling or unconditionally accepting my child when they are having a tantrum just reinforcing the negative behavior?” I hear you. The thing is, whatever lesson you need to teach, limit you need to set, or message you need to impart to your child about their behavior isn’t going to get through when they are having a tantrum. Helping your child to calm down with love and empathy doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about the behavior or set a limit after your child is calm - you can!
You may be wondering, “If I’m angry and frustrated by my child’s behavior, how can I possibly help them to calm down?” Dr. Garry Landreth, a play therapist, parenting expert, and researcher, often talks about being a “thermostat instead of a thermometer.” What does this mean? A thermometer simply reacts to the temperature of the room, while a thermostat sets and regulates the temperature. If you’re emotions are escalating right along with your child’s, you’re being a thermometer.
The key to this is reminding yourself that your child’s feelings are NOT your feelings. You can’t control how they feel, and it isn’t your responsibility to “fix” their feelings. Instead, try just focusing on your breath, noticing the rises and falls, and letting your breathing be slow and deep. Let your voice be gentle and full of empathy. The more your child escalates, the more empathic I want your voice to be.
If you are able to keep yourself calm, something pretty amazing will happen. Your child will co-regulate with you, and will be able to calm down much more easily. Think of the last big argument you had with a friend or family member - it’s pretty difficult to yell at someone if they are speaking calmly and quietly. Then, once your child is calm and can hear and process your words, you can set the limit, give the choice, or impart the lesson (and then go take a break and scream into a pillow).
Like so many skills, this is one that takes A LOT of practice - emotional regulation can be hard! You won’t always do this perfectly, and sometimes you will yell and threaten and it will end in tears. But, you can repair with your child, and try to do better the next time. And, please make sure you find your own time to vent and process your own feelings - these situations are so stressful!
Parenting is hard. But, sometimes the simplest tools are the most effective - never underestimate the power of calm.
