Stop Apologizing
There’s nothing quite like parenting to make you reflect on the quirks and nuances of your own behavior that you hope and pray your child doesn’t pick up from you. For me, this experience is intensified by having a daughter in today’s world - I want so badly for her to move through it easier than I did, than all of the generations of women who came before her. I want her to be confident, to know herself, to TRUST herself.
And yet, here I am, from one interaction to the next - APOLOGIZING.
Now, I’m not talking about apologizing to make amends or repair damage done. I have noticed that I apologize for EVERYTHING. Voicing an opinion? “I could be wrong but…” Asking for what I need? “If it’s not too much trouble…is that okay?” Making a declarative statement? “Does that make sense?” Setting a boundary? “I’m sorry, but, it’s just that…” Someone else bumps into me? “Oh, excuse me, I’m so sorry!”
Upon reflection, every time I say “I’m sorry” what I’m really saying is:
I’m sorry for taking up space.
I’m sorry for having needs.
I’m sorry for claiming my own time for myself.
I’m sorry for being confident.
I’m sorry for existing.
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m SORRY.
This is so not what I want to model for my daughter. Women and girls get so many conflicting messages in our society. Be confident, but not so confident that you make others feel intimidated. Be smart, but don’t appear to be a “know-it-all.” Have goals and be ambitious, but don’t want it too badly or look like you’re trying too hard. Stand up for yourself, but don’t make other people uncomfortable. Is this feat of mental gymnastics one that my daughter is doomed to repeat as well?
NOPE. Not interested.
This ends with me. I may not be able to protect her from every patriarchal influence over the course of her entire life, but I can at least be an example of something different. I don’t have the perfect solution for how to undo years and generations of conditioning, but I have a few ideas for some small changes that I am committed to making.
I’m replacing “I’m sorry” with “thank you”. Instead of “I’m so sorry I’m late!”, it will be “Thank you for waiting!” At a dinner party, “Oh, I’ll just have whatever you’re having to drink!” becomes, “I’d love a glass of white wine, thanks!” Rather than breaking into a light jog after noticing someone holding the door for me (while simultaneously apologizing for not being able to teleport directly to the open door), I’ll maintain my pace and simply say, “Thanks for holding the door!” After all, approaching life from a place of gratitude is so much more positive than coming at it from a place of contrition.
Caveats are coming out my vocabulary, full stop. No more “I could be wrong but…”. Goodbye “is that okay?”. See you later, “does that make sense?”. And I’m definitely done with using the word “just” to soften a thought or minimize a feeling. Declarative statements ONLY from here on out.
No more taking on apologies that aren’t mine to make. If someone bumps into me, I’m no longer apologizing for taking up space. If someone oversteps a boundary I’ve set, personally or professionally, I’m not apologizing for holding my ground. When a mistake is being made and I know the correct answer, I’m done with apologizing for raising my hand and using my voice.
Listen, these are habits that have been formed and ingrained over a lifetime. I’m not holding any expectation that I can set these goals for myself and immediately become this confident, assertive, fully self-actualized person that I envision. But, I can make small steps and take manageable actions to practice this new way of being and move closer to that vision.
I, no, WE owe it to ourselves and to our children to show them something better. We can eschew the labels often reserved for the most confident among us, like “bossy”, “hysterical”, “demanding”, “shrill”, or “b*tch”. Let’s give ourselves permission to take up space, to be heard, to need and want things, and to stop apologizing for our humanity.
Will you stop apologizing with me?
