Gentle Parenting 101: Pros, Cons, Benefits and Examples
In the world of parenting (and especially of parenting social media influencers) the concept of “gentle parenting” has become a buzzy phrase with a wide ranging set of definitions. So what is it? Depending on what book or article you’re reading, or whose TikTok or Instagram you are following, it could be lots of different things. Before we dive into MY version of “Gentle Parenting 101”, I want to acknowledge that this approach is quite different from the way many of us were parented. As society evolves, so do child development research, culture, and our parenting styles.
Gentle parenting is an approach to child-rearing that emphasizes building a strong, loving bod with children and nurturing their emotional development. It involves treating children with kindness, empathy, and respect while setting clear boundaries. In essence, it means treating children like the human beings they are, with the understanding that they are brand new to the world and just learning how to communicate and get their needs met.
The Pillars of Gentle Parenting
Emotional Connection: Gentle parenting prioritizes emotional connection between parent and child. It involves validating a child's feelings, being attentive to their emotional needs, and responding with understanding and empathy. This emotional bond forms the foundation for effective communication and trust.
Respect and Mutual Understanding: Gentle parenting emphasizes treating children with the same respect that is given to adults. It involves seeking to understand a child's perspective, even when they are upset or misbehaving, and avoiding punitive measures that undermine their self-esteem.
Clear Boundaries and Positive Discipline: While gentle parenting encourages understanding, it also recognizes the importance of boundaries and consistent discipline. However, discipline in this context is based on positive reinforcement and teaching rather than punishment.
Parental Self-Reflection: Gentle parenting encourages parents to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. It acknowledges that parents may have their own emotional triggers and past experiences that can affect their interactions with their children.
Gentle Parenting Pros
Strong Emotional Bond: Gentle parenting fosters a strong emotional bond between parents and children, creating a safe and secure environment for healthy emotional development.
Positive Behavior: By focusing on empathy and understanding, gentle parenting promotes positive behavior in children, encouraging them to make choices based on internal motivation rather than fear of punishment.
Emotional Intelligence: Gentle parenting equips children with emotional intelligence skills, helping them understand and manage their feelings, as well as recognize emotions in others.
High Self-esteem: With a nurturing and supportive approach, gentle parenting helps build a child's self-esteem and self-worth, which contributes to healthier relationships and decision-making later in life.
Reduced Aggression: Gentle parenting aims to break the cycle of aggression and violence by teaching children non-violent conflict resolution strategies.
Effective Communication: By actively listening and validating a child's feelings, gentle parenting promotes open and honest communication within the family.
Gentle Parenting Cons
Time and Patience: Gentle parenting can be time-consuming and requires a great deal of patience, as it involves understanding and guiding a child through their emotions and behaviors.
Consistency Challenges: Staying consistent with gentle parenting principles can be difficult, especially during challenging moments when parents may be tempted to resort to punitive measures.
Misinterpretation as Permissiveness: One of the most common criticisms of gentle parenting is the perception that it allows children to do whatever they want without consequences, leading to misunderstandings and potential judgment from others.
Parental Emotional Regulation: Gentle parenting requires parents to maintain emotional regulation during difficult moments, which can be challenging when they are facing their own stress and triggers.
Gentle Parenting vs. Permissive Parenting
Gentle parenting is often misunderstood and confused with permissive parenting, but there are significant differences between the two.
Permissive parenting involves being overly indulgent and lenient with children, giving in to their desires without setting boundaries or expecting responsible behavior. Permissive parents may avoid disciplining their children to maintain a positive relationship, but this can lead to behavioral issues and a lack of respect for authority.
On the other hand, gentle parenting incorporates clear boundaries and discipline, but it does so with empathy and understanding. It focuses on teaching and guiding children rather than punishing them. The goal is not to avoid conflicts but to address them in a respectful and constructive manner.
Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It should never require the absence of boundaries or limits in your household. If permissive parenting is your jam, it is certainly your prerogative. However, I believe (and studies have shown) that children fare better in adulthood in lots of ways if they are raised with healthy structure and limits. After all, we know that as adults we don’t get to run around doing as we please all the time, right? We have laws and social contracts that help to define what healthy, reasonable behavior is.
Practical Examples of Gentle Parenting Techniques
In practice, all of this means setting clear limits and giving choices to help children learn about respecting boundaries and the relationship between actions and consequences. It means respecting their feelings as real and important drivers of behavior, because even though they are children they are still human beings. It means giving children the (age-appropriate) space to independently problem solve, to fail, and to be able to tolerate the frustration of failure and struggle. Above all it means meeting your child with unconditional empathy and acceptance. When I say this, I don’t mean unconditional acceptance of negative behaviors. I mean that we are unconditionally accepting our children for the imperfect, brand-new human beings they are.
At the end of the day, gentle parenting is not the only acceptable approach to parenting. There are lots of parenting experts and therapists out there with strategies and approaches that are different from what someone practicing gentle parenting might do. That’s okay! Ultimately, I believe that as long as your child feels unconditionally loved by their caregivers, you are doing something right. It’s up to you ultimately to take on board the things that resonate with you and are a fit for your family, and discard the rest. YOU are the expert on your specific child, and if someone is telling you to do things in a way that feels wrong to you (not just challenging, but really WRONG for your family), trust your intuition.
Gentle Parenting Resources
There are some content creators out there who are doing some really wonderful things. There are a few in particular who I love, whose approaches align fairly closely to mine. Dr. Becky Kennedy (@drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram) is a psychologist and parenting expert who comes from a scientific place and gives very clear scripts for managing lots of different parenting challenges. Destini Ann (@destini.ann on Instagram) is a mom and parenting coach who often shows herself working through parenting challenges with her own children in real time. Kristin and Deena of Big Little Feelings (@biglittlefeelings on Instagram) are a parent coach and child therapist who give great, targeted strategies for navigating toddlerhood.
Gentle Parenting Books:
"The Whole-Brain Child" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
"No-Drama Discipline" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
"Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell
"Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids" by Laura Markham
“Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen, Kristina Bill, and Joy Marchese
“Good Inside” by Becky Kennedy
If my version of “gentle parenting” speaks to you, check out my other blogs and give me a follow at @figtreecounseling on Instagram and Facebook. If you feel like you’d like a little extra help and support, reach out to me for a consultation. When it comes to figuring out your parenting style, the best way is the one that allows your child to feel loved and for you to have space to care for yourself.
After all, YOU are the best parent for your child!
