Letting Go
I’m back! You may have noticed that I took a bit of a break from writing blogs or posting on the Fig Tree social media pages. I’d like to tell you a little bit about why that is, and what has been going on for the last (almost) year. Typically, as therapists we are taught to be very intentional about how much we share personally, and so I tend to share relatively little. However, I have learned some things about myself and about parenting in this past year that I think and hope are ultimately valuable to the parents reading these blogs.
It seems a bit trite at this point to say that the last couple of years have been A LOT, because, obviously. Concurrent with dealing with the pandemic, my husband and I were trying very hard to become parents in a years-long journey that was fraught with loss, disappointment, frustration, and grief. Very luckily, about one year ago our treatments were finally successful and we found out I was pregnant.
The joy and expectation of pregnancy soon turned into an incredibly unpleasant experience toward the end of the summer. Morning sickness lasted all day long and through the entirety of my pregnancy. I developed a set of seriously painful physical symptoms that made it difficult to walk, get down on the floor in the playroom with clients, and even to sleep. I felt helpless, overwhelmed, out of control, and guilty for how much I resented the pregnancy I had longed and worked for.
So, I let go. I stopped marketing my practice, I stopped networking, I stopped posting to social media and writing blogs, I stopped seeking out new clients. I let go of anything that took me beyond getting through the day, serving my existing clients, and preparing to become a mother. At the time, I felt overwhelming shame for my decreased productivity, my withdrawal from social events, my lapses in keeping up with relationships…for not meeting the high standards I had always expected myself to meet.
Looking back, I know I had to let go. Rather than clinging so tightly to the reality I wanted, I had to surrender myself to the reality I was actually experiencing. I had to be in the present moment, to be gentler with myself, to allow myself (for the first time) space to just BE. A wonderful friend and gifted meditation teacher, Shawnta Valdes (PLEASE check her out at https://sitwithshawnta.com/) often uses the mantra:
“Right now, it’s like this.”
This became my lifeline as I moved through my pregnancy, reminding me that the experience that I was having in each moment was just for that moment. It allowed me to meet the pain and complicated feelings I was feeling with acceptance.
My daughter arrived in February, and I found that I needed to bring that same acceptance to a new and different set of experiences. I often talk in these blogs about parental guilt and about giving yourself a break, and all of that was true for me (and still is!). My physical symptoms were gone, but I entered a haze of postpartum depression and anxiety that felt unending.
Again, I had to let go. I had to let go of the schedule I was clinging to for my daughter, to let go of any expectations I had about getting back to work early, to let go of everything outside of caring for my daughter and for myself from moment to moment. I had to find myself back in the present moment, again meeting each moment with acceptance. It was hard, and though it feels like we are now out of the thick of the newborn stage, some days it still is hard.
So why share this? Because I want you to try letting go. If you’re anything like me, you are constantly running through a list in your head of to-dos and schedules and expectations and worries and it is exhausting. Let go. Let go of whatever YOU need to let go of. Let go of the things that aren’t serving you, the things that are taking you out of the present moment. Let go of the expectation that you will practice letting go perfectly (you won’t).
In this present moment, I’m back. I look forward to returning to our usual programming in the coming weeks and months, for as long as it feels right. Right now, it’s like this.
