Setting Boundaries With Grandparents
Grandparents: they can be an immense source of love, support, and fun for you and your children, but they can also provide unintended headache and stress. It can be difficult to set boundaries with in-laws and even your own parents when it comes to the grandchildren, especially for those of us who avoid conflict like the plague. However, doing so can be an important act of self-care and a healthy way to honor yourself and your partner in your roles as parents.
A friend recently expressed frustration about her children’s grandparents and their gift giving. Mom and Dad had kindly requested that birthday gifts for the kids be limited to one gift, but the grandparents continue to shower the kids with lots and lots of toys that only end up cluttering Mom and Dad’s home. It is clear that in this scenario, Grandma and Grandpa have only the best of intentions. It probably makes them feel good to be able to express their love for their grandchildren through gift giving, but it sends mixed messages to the kids and violates Mom and Dad’s wishes.
So, how do we navigate situations like these as parents while minimizing hurt feelings and honoring our own needs? In this blog, I give you some tips and thoughts on getting through these sticky conversations with minimal stress.
Determine your values and non-negotiables. Sit down with your partner and decide on what the most important things are for you as parents. What are the key values that you hold as a family unit? Accountability? Independence? Unity? Empathy? There are no wrong answers. How do your parenting strategies align with your values, and which are most important to you? Decide which ones you are flexible around, which ones have just a little room for flexibility, and which are non-negotiables.
Choose your battles. If everything is important nothing is important. Go back to your list of non-negotiables and identify where you need to set boundaries. Maybe you feel really strongly about consistent bedtimes and extra screen time is not a deal breaker. Maybe regulating sugar intake is at the top of your list and a late bedtime is not as important. Decide with your partner on the things that are most important to address.
Understand and acknowledge everyone’s good intentions. Just like you, grandparents are almost always coming from a place of love and excitement for your children. They likely have good memories of being parents themselves and relish the opportunity to relive some of those times with your little ones. When you’re setting limits, it is important to acknowledge the wonderful qualities grandparents have and what they add to your children’s lives.
Communicate clearly and firmly. Wait until everyone is calm to address a limit or set a boundary so that you have the best atmosphere for effective communication. Then, state the limit firmly and clearly: “We know how much fun Jane has staying up late and watching old movies with you, but we know that she feels so much better when she goes to bed at 8:00. It is really important to us to keep her bedtime consistent and structured. Is this something you can help us with?”
Set everyone up for success. If Grandma and Grandpa are babysitting for a period of time, write out the schedule in an easily understandable way and make sure they have everything they need to keep structure as consistent as possible. It can help to go over the routine with them as a reminder, taking special care to highlight the things that are most important to you.
Find alternative solutions or compromises. Are there ways that grandparents can have the fun they would like to have while still being respectful of your boundaries? For example, if Grandma and Grandpa want to buy five gifts for Johnny’s birthday, can Johnny open them at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and choose just one of them to bring home? This way, Grandma and Grandpa get to buy the gifts they want to buy and you do not have to deal with the clutter. If possible, involve grandparents in coming up with creative alternatives together.
Redirect and highlight skills. What are Grandma and Grandpa good at? Maybe Grandpa is a champion storyteller or Grandma always knows how to keep your toddler entertained at bath time. Be proactive in identifying their strengths and asking for specific help in those areas. For instance, if you are working on sleep training with your infant, but Grandma goes to immediately pick him up when he is crying, try redirecting: “Mom, I think I have got this under control here, but would you mind giving [the toddler] a bath?”
Give reminders when needed. Just like with your children, adhering to limits takes practice, especially if they are new. Be patient with grandparents, but do not be afraid to give a gentle reminder when needed. “Oh Dad, remember, we are trying to cut down on screen time? But I know Jane would love to build blocks with you.”
Hold firm on your boundaries if they are violated. Sometimes it takes more than a gentle reminder to keep your boundaries from being violated, and sometimes tough conversations are necessary. For example, if bedtime is one of your non-negotiables but the grandparents continue to disregard your wishes, you might need to calmly say something like, “Mom and Dad, bedtime is something that is really important to us to maintain our children’s mental and physical health. If we can’t trust you to stick to a consistent, appropriate bedtime, then Johnny won’t be able to stay over as often as he would like to.” Then, make sure you follow through.
Express gratitude. Celebrate the wins when grandparents provide help and support in ways that feel good to you and your family. Verbally acknowledge and express appreciation for the value that they are adding to your lives. For example, “Thank you so much for getting Johnny to bed on time last night. I could tell he felt so great today and I know he loved having that special time with you.”
At the end of the day, consistent, clear, and early communication is key to making the parent/grandparent relationship harmonious. Try not to wait for a problem to fester before adjusting it and always try to assume good intentions. Everyone involved has so much love for you and your children and wants the best for your family unit. It takes a village to raise a child and grandparents can be such an important part of your child’s village.
