How to Help an Adopted Child Cope with Loss Through the Tasks of Mourning

Adoption can bring immense joy and fulfillment to both adoptive parents and adopted children. However, it's important to recognize that adoption is often accompanied by a complex range of emotions, including grief and loss. For members of the adoption and kinship network, grief can be complicated, disenfranchised, and traumatic. In this blog post, we will explore the concept of adoption grief and loss, discuss the unique challenges of coping with adoption, and provide strategies to support an adopted child through the tasks of mourning.

Understanding Adoption Grief and Loss

Adoption represents a significant life event that involves the separation from one family and integration into another. This process can trigger feelings of grief and loss for the adopted child. Even infants can experience a sense of loss as they adjust to their new environment and form attachments to their adoptive parents. The grieving process in adoption is not linear and can resurface at various stages of a child's life, such as when they reach developmental milestones or encounter triggers that remind them of their pre-adoption experiences.

Coping with Adoption

1. Educate Yourself: As a parent or caregiver, it's crucial to educate yourself about the adoption process, including the challenges associated with adoption grief and loss (including your own!). Understanding the unique dynamics and emotions involved will equip you to provide the necessary support.

2. Open Communication: Create an open and honest environment where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings. Encourage open dialogue about adoption and provide opportunities for them to ask questions or share their thoughts. Respect their privacy if they choose not to discuss certain aspects, but let them know that you are there to listen whenever they are ready.

3. Validate Their Feelings: It's important to validate the emotions your adopted child experiences. Acknowledge their grief, loss, and any associated feelings of anger, confusion, or sadness. Assure them that their feelings are valid and normal. Avoid dismissing or trivializing their emotions, as it may hinder their healing process.

4. Create a Sense of Identity: Help your adopted child build a positive sense of self by integrating their adoption story into their identity. Celebrate their unique heritage, culture, and personal narrative. This can be done through books, music, art, and connections with their birth culture, if applicable. Emphasize that their adoption is an important part of who they are, and that they are loved and valued.

5. Seek Professional Support: Consider involving a therapist or counselor experienced in adoption-related issues. A professional can offer guidance and provide a safe space for your child to process their emotions. Therapy can also help adoptive parents navigate their own emotions and strengthen their ability to support their child effectively.

The Tasks of Mourning

The more widely known framework for grief and loss is the Kubler-Ross model for the Stages of Grief. However, I tend to prefer the tasks of mourning when examining grief and loss in adoptive families. William Worden, a renowned grief counselor, identified four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain of grief, adjusting to the environment without the lost person, and finding an enduring connection with the lost person while embarking on a new life. These tasks can also be applied to help adopted children cope with their adoption loss.

1. Accepting the Reality of the Loss: Validate your child's feelings of loss and help them understand that it's okay to grieve. Encourage them to acknowledge and accept the reality of their pre-adoption experiences, while emphasizing that their current family is there to support them.

2. Working Through the Pain of Grief: Provide a safe and supportive environment for your child to express their grief. Encourage them to share their thoughts, fears, and memories. Engage in age-appropriate activities, such as journaling, drawing, or storytelling, to help them express their emotions. Offer comfort and reassurance during difficult moments.

3. Adjusting to the Environment: Help your child adjust to their new family and surroundings by establishing routines, rituals, and traditions. Consistency and stability can provide a sense of security and belonging. Encourage positive relationships with extended family members, friends, and support networks, which can help bridge the gap between the child's past and present.

4. Finding an Enduring Connection: Assist your child in establishing an enduring connection with their past while embracing their present and future. Encourage open communication about their birth family, if appropriate, and support efforts to maintain contact if it's in the child's best interest. Sharing adoption lifebooks, engaging in cultural activities, or participating in support groups can help foster a connection to their adoption story.

Coping with adoption grief and loss is a lifelong process that requires patience, empathy, and understanding. By recognizing and validating an adopted child's feelings, providing a nurturing environment, and supporting them through the tasks of mourning, you can help them develop healthy coping mechanisms and a strong sense of identity. Remember that each child's journey is unique, and the support they require may change over time. By being responsive to their needs, you can assist them in healing and thriving as they navigate the complexities of adoption.

If you find that your family needs extra support, I’m here to help! Whether through play therapy, family therapy, or parenting coaching, I can provide guidance, hold space, and help you to navigate this complicated path. Reach out today!