Curating A Bedtime Ritual
Snuggle up friends, because today we are talking about BEDTIME. If your household is anything like mine, by the end of the day everyone is completely wiped out, and any plans for self-care at bedtime are quickly out the window. I don’t know how many times I’ve planned a beautiful, relaxing, screen-free bedtime experience which was ultimately replaced by doom-scrolling social media while watching an episode of Real Housewives.
For parents, especially those with several children of different ages and levels of need at nighttime, bedtime often becomes all about efficiency. It’s a rundown of a checklist: Pajamas? Check. Teeth brushed? Check. Bathroom? Check. Sometimes, this is as much as you might be able to handle at the end of a busy and stressful day, and that’s okay.
But, if you can swing it, even just on the days when you have a little extra bandwidth, creating a nurturing bedtime ritual for your children will be massively impactful. A loving and nurturing bedtime routine is one of the simplest ways to supercharge attachment with your child. It will bring you closer together, and will likely help you to feel calm and relaxed right along with your little one.
Bedtime can provide an opportunity for a “yes” to behaviors that during the day, might not be appropriate. This is an especially handy tool if you have a child who tends toward lots of connection-seeking throughout the day. The same can be said for children who may have had an attachment disruption, and struggle with regression. Rather than having to avoid your child who needs extra snuggles right when you’re in the middle of an important task, or to argue with your child who won’t brush their teeth independently, you can use bedtime as the time they can get those needs met. This could look like, “I know you’d like some snuggles right now, but I am in the middle of cooking dinner. I am really looking forward to some snuggles with you at bedtime!”
A caveat and warning to creating your bedtime ritual: it should never be used in a punitive way. For example, if there is a behavior issue during the day and you need to provide a consequence, the consequence should never be the loss of the bedtime ritual. This sends the message that nurture is conditional, and will have the opposite effect on attachment than what we are aiming for.
So, let’s talk about some ideas you can incorporate into your bedtime routine! Remember, as long as it feels nurturing and safe for your child, choose what works for you. Many of these suggestions come from the Theraplay treatment protocol for attachment, which is one of the services I offer. They can be mixed and matched and added and taken out depending on your needs and desires and those of your child.
Read a nurturing story together. Some of my favorites for this purpose are Love You Forever, The Kissing Hand, Guess How Much I Love You, and The Runaway Bunny.
Do a mini-checkup for any bumps and scrapes accumulated during the day, and care for them with a cotton ball and a kiss (and a Band-Aid, if needed).
Lotion and care for your child’s skin, noticing and describing their features as you go (i.e. rosy cheeks, strong arms, wiggly feet). *You can just use a dry cotton ball in the same way if you want an alternative to lotion.*
Feed your child a small snack or drink by placing the food or drink in their mouth for them. You can even have them come up with a nonverbal signal for when they’d like a sip or a bite.
Rock your child and sing a special song.
Measure their height, and note any changes from the day before.
Pretend to make pizza on the child’s back. Have the child lie on their stomach, and narrate kneading the dough, sprinkling on cheese and toppings, and then eating them up.
Drum a simple rhythm on your child’s back and have them copy the rhythm by drumming on the floor.
Take turns writing messages to one another on your backs.
Create a special handshake that you use each night.
These are just a few of the many activities you can include in your bedtime ritual. The goal is ultimately for your child to feel loved, seen, and safe. If your child is prone to nightmares, you can even include some of the nightmare-proofing strategies from my previous blog!
This ritual can be as long or as short as you need it to be, but be sure to set consistent limits around the time frame. If you normally do a song, a story, and five minutes of cuddle time, don’t get talked into adding a second story or song. Part of the safety of the ritual is its predictability and routine.
Sweet dreams!
